Negative Cycle

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Dear Olive,
I'm trapped in a pretty appalling negative parenting cycle at the moment, where it feels like I'm berating you more than I'm having fun with you. Which is a truly depressing state of affairs. Not that it's any excuse, but what with work and the last couple of weekends being really busy, I'm feeling really exhausted, and it's left me with not much in the reserve tank to deal with your trying behaviour ... which has been rather trying. But as with most parenting situations, the problem here lies not so much with you, but with me. Your behaviour really only becomes a problem if I react to it. And the thing that gets me the most, is that while I'm whining and reacting to your irritating behaviour, you are no doubt learning how to behave from my own terrible behaviour! And so the vicious cycle goes round. I need to remember to step back, take a breath, and find my way back to positive parenting.
Any tips?



14 comments:

little wild moose said...

No tips unfortunately as I'm currently right there with ya! I do find reading Buddhism for Mothers normally gets me back in a positive, more calm, less reactive state. Hopefully someone else will have a solution! x

evie dear said...

I hear you, parenting can be so hard! I've just started reading 'Fingerpainting in Psych Class' and it seems brilliant for focussing on the positive in your child. Their FB page has heaps of helpful tips too 'Conscious Parenting'. Hope you can recharge a bit :)

Rin said...

You have perfectly articulated the way I feel!
Oh boy it's tough.
Deep breaths before every reaction.
I also find I get most pissed off at my girls when I'm trying to read blogs or something on my phone or just do simething else. Sometimes I just need to let the iPhone/laundry/dinner go.
Good luck!
xx

Dear Lola said...

Yep, some testing times over here also with Miss (almost) three. Perhaps made even more intense with my raging hormones thanks to baby in belly. Okay,I really shouldn't blame the poor growing baby for everything, even though I try!

If we're at home, & hit some trying behaviour, and I'm not feeling up to handling the situation, without uttering even a word, I take Lola by the hand, and place her in her room, and close the door. I know it's better for her to calm down in there, then to have me yelling & fighting back out of frustration. When I have calmed down, taken a few deep breathes, and I can hear things have calmed a bit on the other side of the door, I then go in and we talk about the behaviour.
It doesn't work everytime, and sometimes I lose it before we get to her room. But if this happens, after Lola has apologised for the behaviour, I aplogise for handling the situation the way I did. She almost always says "Don't worry, I forgive you mama" - which usually just makes me cry. Which in that case, I just pretend I have onion in my eyes... usually works :) Good luck x

Tahnee said...

You're not alone, those cycles are just that.. cycles. They come and go and I too find, it is more about what I am doing than the poor behaviour from the kids.. I think you've given yourself the right tips at the end there, it usually works for me when I concentrate enough to listen to myself x

Iliska Dreams said...

I tried this when Tamika was teenager. Each time I found myself wanting to nag/yell/rant. I would sing. Pick the most stupidest song you know. It not only stops you immediately responding with a negative reaction it makes you realize how many time your reaction is negative. Make you feel stupid? Good, laughing at yourself helps a lot more than hating yourself for being "that" parent. Then after you have sung the lyrics, than think about how you truly want to respond. I called it time out for me.

KERRY said...

Sorry to hear that - if it's any consolation, we're having exactly the same issues here with Bertie. Feel like I spend my days arguing with a three year old :(

Lila Wolff said...

I know this one is so hard when you are already working full time and have such limited family time but you need to recharge yourself. You can't fill her cup up if your well is empty.

(Julie's advice is awesome for those times where there is no space for a mama time out)

Jagger Noas said...

I think some of the leaking problems people have are due to incorrect prep and washing so if you follow the directions and use the correct soap you shouldn't have a problem. When she is big enough for the mediums, I will buy them again. We have never had a problem with diaper rash. As you can tell, I'm happy with these and although the washing and stuffing the diapers is a little more work, we make it happen. We will soon be using cloth wipes because it won't be anymore work for us and better for our little girl!
honest diaper reviews

Vanessa said...

Yes I had one of those days today where I reacted a little too much and the cycle continued on and on. My tips? An early night, time outdoors to breathe and maybe some music to loosen everyone up. Tomorrow is another day. x

Lea said...

You are already on the right path by recognising and acknowledging. I'm sure you are doing your best at the time. Some days our best is far greater than other days...every day is a new day though, a clean slate if you like. My tip..recognise, acknowledge and say sorry. When I tell my kids I am sorry I lost my temper, was cross with them etc they are usually pretty forgiving. Forgiveness is a good lesson to learn as well I think. You sound like a pretty normal mama to me.

Alex Sunday said...

i don't have a tip, just a thank you. thanks for sharing that you have these days too. xo

Beatrice said...

I'm starting to realize that there are two things that seem to work for helping me break these cycles, when we get stuck in them: 1. Mama breaks (because ultimately it usually means I'm burnt out and need some 'me' time to reset) and 2. Laughter. When my little one is doing something irritating, testing, etc., it seems to diffuse us both when I just tackled him with tickles or something equally silly. But it's always a work in progress.

flickleflackle said...

I find that when I'm really having a hard time dealing with Milo's behaviour, if I just sit on the ground, bring him to me and ask him what's going on and give him some full attention, he usually will tell me something that's bothering him, or we end up having a laugh and I remember to lighten up, that he's just a tiny child and I'm the adult and I need to help him find his way.
Sounds like you are pretty aware of it all and awareness is the first step in overcoming any issue.
You're wonderful Kel, you'll get back to being the parent you want to be. Xx

 

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