3 + 1

Dear Olive,
We have some pretty amazing news to share. Come April next year, we will no longer be a family of 3, but a family of 4! We couldn't be more excited. (Actually, we're quite a bit terrified too, but definitely mostly excited.) I'm 15 weeks pregnant, and feeling extremely grateful and lucky to have the chance to be a mother to another little person. (I tried to keep this gratefulness in mid as I vomited behind my car in an indoor car park earlier this week.) I feel pretty happy and secure going through pregnancy for a second time. My first pregnancy was lovely because it resulted in you, but it was also filled with many struggles and anxieties, anxieties that I'm just not feeling much of this time around. We are going through the same birth centre, we have the same amazing midwife, and I feel so much confidence in the whole process, and in my body. But telling you and sharing in your joy has been, by far, THE most amazing thing for Shane and I. You are literally beside yourself with excitement to be a big sister (finally!). Something tells me you're going to make a pretty great one.

My Birthday

Dear Olive,
Things have been a little bit tough around here of late, and as my birthday loomed last week, I really wasn't sure I wanted to do anything. But (with the gentle encouragement of a few friends), two days out I sent off invitations for an afternoon picnic at Nielson Park (one of my All Time Favourite Sydney Spots). Lots of people couldn't come, but those who did, made it so great. It was a beautiful Spring day and while the kids got nude and wet, the adults (for the most part), were able to relax and eat delicious food. I even baked a cake. (This apple and coconut one, grain free, and sweetened only with honey, from Petite Kitchen; quite delicious.) It was a BYO food, drinks, picnic rug type of affair, but people also brought with them flowers by the armful and (unexpected) gorgeous gifts. But the best thing they brought, was themselves; I was reminded again that great friendship really is the essence of life.

Life Lately

Dear Olive,
Without mincing words, life lately has been pretty shitty. I started a new job a month ago, and it's been really full on - a long commute, long hours, and for the last week and a half I've been fighting a cold. Which turned into the flu a couple of days ago. That you got. When you were at kindy yesterday. I had to leave work and pick you up. And today Shane and I are tag teaming you while we're at work because you're not allowed back at kindy until Monday. AAAHHHHHH. All I want to do is feel well and enjoy this amazing Spring weather. But all I should be doing is crawling into bed. I'll just drink my bone broth and ginger tea and hopefully my body can do the rest.
PS There are lots of great things to look forward to. It's my birthday in a couple of weeks (I'm planning a picnic with friends), and we'll be back in the water soon, too. I'll have to keep these at the fore of my mind next week, because next week Shane goes away for work - for the whole week. I cannot in my right mind fathom how I'm going to cope!

Photo by Gui.

A Day in The Life

Dear Olive,
Out to set to drop off clothes to the costume truck. Dress some extras. Fabric sourcing, button buying, zipper choosing. Driving, driving. Pit stop and recharge at my favourite spot, Bread and Circus. Back in the car. Meeting with a clothes dealer, poring through dusty bags of old clothes. Sneezing, driving. More driving. Desperation for a tea at all time high. Pick you up from kindy and chase you around Lincraft.
Home. 
Bath, dinner, bed.
Breathe. 
Do it all again tomorrow.

Negative Cycle

Dear Olive,
I'm trapped in a pretty appalling negative parenting cycle at the moment, where it feels like I'm berating you more than I'm having fun with you. Which is a truly depressing state of affairs. Not that it's any excuse, but what with work and the last couple of weekends being really busy, I'm feeling really exhausted, and it's left me with not much in the reserve tank to deal with your trying behaviour ... which has been rather trying. But as with most parenting situations, the problem here lies not so much with you, but with me. Your behaviour really only becomes a problem if I react to it. And the thing that gets me the most, is that while I'm whining and reacting to your irritating behaviour, you are no doubt learning how to behave from my own terrible behaviour! And so the vicious cycle goes round. I need to remember to step back, take a breath, and find my way back to positive parenting.
Any tips?

1:26

Dear Olive,
The clock in the sunroom has stopped. It's stuck on 1:26. Which is really rather symbolic of how I feel about my life at the moment. How did everything get so far along, when I feel like I haven't moved? Surely my own clock stopped somewhere along the line, and I've still got my whole life ahead of me? Sometimes lately I find myself gripped by a deep sense of panic that I'm running out of time. Running out of time to make more money, running out of time to make more babies, running out of time to, well, make my life more amazing. And it's a very unpleasant feeling. The only thing to do is to get on with it, I guess. (And put new batteries in the clock.)

Springing

Dear Olive,
There's been a distinct change in the weather this week. The evenings have lost most of their chill and the days have me sweating in tights and cardigans. A fly even came in and buzzed around the house this morning, it's annoying presence confirming what the calendar already told me. Spring is upon us. And with this change has come a shift in me, a renewed optimism. I feel lighter, healthier, positive-er. I want to plan afternoon cocktail parties in gardens, buy new sandals, eat salads. It's my birthday this month. And it also marks the one year anniversary of Shane and I getting engaged. Big plans are afoot! (Actually, none at all, but it sounds far more exciting to say there are.) But sushi - well, sushi we eat all year round, rain, hail, or shine.

PS darling little vintage blouse from Nells terrific etsy store.

Shadows

Dear Olive,
We lost our nanny yesterday. Well, not lost as in I don't know where she is, because I do; she's in her flat in Vaucluse. But lost as in she's not going to be looking after you anymore. It's been coming for a while, she's been less and less available, and this week finally told us she's following another path to different job, which I totally understand and she goes with my best wishes for every success in her new life. What has come as a surprise, though, is that it's left me feeling extremely emotional. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe I'm upset because someone you love, and who loves you, has pretty much left your life. Or maybe it's bigger than that. Everything just seems to be changing so fast around me, I can barely keep up. You're starting preschool next week - next week! - and I feel positively ill with nervousness. Just an offhand mention of it to my neighbour earlier had me in tears. I don't really know why, but I think it's something to do with feeling like I'm sending you out into the world on your own. You, my child, out there fending for your self. Of course, you - incredible, resilient you, are (so far) completely taken with the idea of starting preschool. Just don't forget to hold your old Mums hand on the way in, will you. I may very well need the support.

PS I'm not really feeling as dark as these photos may suggest. I just loved the shadow on the wall of you playing with Pepper in the morning light. That is all.

Here I Am

Dear Olive,
I haven't been in this space much lately. I've been here - inside the costume office of a 50's tv show. 

Happy Pants

Dear Olive,
We got our happy back. My guts picked itself up off the bathroom floor just in time to accompany me on a weekend fanfare of dinner, yum cha, a kids party, and a hens extravaganza. Sometimes I find it all too easy to feel hard done by in some areas of my life. But really, I have so much to be thankful for. And besides, if there's something I truly don't like, I hold the power to try to change it*. And that is really the thing to be thankful for.

*obviously, this has its limitations. I realise there are many people out there struggling against things they are desperate to change, but don't have the power to. Like fighting cancer, or trying to conceive a baby against all odds.

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Dear Olive,

In a few days, our family of three will make our third annual Christmas pilgrimage up the highway to my Dads house. Until I was about 11, my family did that drive every year, up to our then holiday house (which would later become our everyday home), for enormous Christmases with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. We'd pile into our yellow van that always over heated with the number plate that read 'herbs', with our thermos of iced water and our egg and lettuce sandwiches. Some of my most painful and boring childhood memories involve sitting in that car, quarrelling at a dead standstill in unmoving traffic, in heat so searing it would fry an egg. And without air conditioning for fear of over heating the car. Of course. One particularly memorable trip, Mum and Dad made the decision of our lives, finally caving at unrelenting nagging and pressure - we could stop at McDonalds for breakfast. Hotcakes! Hash browns! We'd get the lot! One of everything! (I'd only ever had McDonalds once before, when my friends Dad smuggled burgers into the theatre to see Sweeney Todds, but I was far too nervous about getting into trouble for breaking the rule of no eating in the theatre to really enjoy it.) We could barely contain our excitement as we drove up to window two to collect our food. At the last minute, I needed to go to the toilet, so while the rest of the family waited in the car, I ran in. It was busy that day, crazy christmas crowds busy, and I had to wait impatiently in a long queue. When I finally returned to the car, eager to indulge in the forbidden feast, I was greeted with the horrifying news like a slap in the face. A fight had broken out between Hayes and Anika, who were both now sitting red-eyed, weeping quietly. Dad, at the end of his tether, had snapped and tossed out our food. Our McDonalds, was gone. Gone? Even though I couldn't believe it, I knew it was true. Because I could see the crumpled, stomped on bags of untouched food staring at me from their sad resting place on the footpath outside my window. That was the last time we stopped at McDonalds. As you and Shane and I set off in the car this year, I’ll be thinking about the little Christmas traditions our family of three are forging for ourselves. I like it that one of them is following along the well worn path my own family trod for so many years. And there won’t be any McDonalds in ours, either.

Merry and super jolly Christmas wishes to all! Thanks for reading xx

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Dear Olive,
A pot of tea. A rainy day. An unputdownable read. A three hour sleep. What more could I ask for?

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Dear Olive,
When I was young, I had a dress just like this*. I had this book. And I decided it would be far better to be her, than me. So I changed my name, and for a few months, everyone - family, friends, teachers, had to call me Heidi. I wouldn't respond unless they did. I got over it, though, and went back to being me again. I wonder who you'll want to be?
* mine was brown. But it was the 70's so this was not only acceptable, it was highly fashionable.
PS Elephant memory? Yes, I briefly mentioned this story a long time ago here.

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Dear Olive,
So here it is. The Breastfeeding Update. You are *I think* weaned off the night feeds. Gasp! Yes, it's true. I did it. And it was actually, dare I say it, kind of easy peasy. You randomly slept through the night last Friday (for the second time, ever), and I thought this is it, this is my chance, you're already one night in. The next night getting you ready for bed, I said guess what babe, Mummy doesn't make any me-me at night anymore. You can have me-me before you go to bed, but then not again until you wake up in the morning. You cried. No close me-me! Make more me-me Mummy! You slept through again that night. I walked in after you woke up to find you clapping your hands and yelling Yay, more me-me in there now!!! (Are you getting the idea that you're slightly me-me obsessed? Correct!) And it's all gone pretty smoothly from there. You've slept through 6 nights out of the past 10. Unbelievable! On the nights you've woken up, I've given you a drink of water, a cuddle and a song and you've resettled easily. And now that I've got a bit of control back, and I've got you down to just three feeds a day, I feel really happy to keep things just the way they are. 
PS We got a new camera this morning. Excitement plus! Can't wait to play! 

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Dear Olive,
You slept through the night last night. For the first time ever. The funny thing is, I'm not as wildly elated as I thought I'd be. Sleeping through felt like The Ultimate (Unachievable) Goal for a while, but you've been on the gradual improve lately and now that you've actually done it, well, it doesn't seem like such a big deal after all. Of course I'm happy about it though, I'll always take any extra sleep with thanks. So, thanks. Happy with my outfit today too.

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Dear Olive,
This is not so much a letter to you .... but a thank you to all the wonderful people who wrote the most lovely and supportive words on my last post. You gave me smiles and tears and warmth (Kristen you gave me a belly laugh). It really means an enormous amount and it's made me love this little world of blog even more. Full of people who clearly understand that some choices made as a parent are super complex. And don't necessarily define you. I work because it makes me happy. Simple as that, I don't feel the need to justify it. I feel secure that I'm a good Mum to Olive. But gee it's wonderful to hear it. Thank you. I wish I could pick a happy little posy for each and everyone of you.

You all KNOW I didn't take this photo. Image from here.

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It's been a very full on week. There's been moments where I've loved it, but there's also been moments where I've found myself wondering what I'm doing, especially why I'm doing this to you. Although you've apparently had terrifically fun days with your new friends the two nanny's, your sleeping's been dreadful and I can't help but feel it's your way of expressing your separation anxiety. I'm sorry for whatever I'm putting you through, I think you're being amazing. I'm looking forward to a fun weekend together full of lots and lots of cuddles. Six weeks to go and counting.
(One of our lovely nanny's just sent me this photo.)

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Dear Olive,
The Countdown Is On. In fact, The Countdown Is Almost Over. Seven weeks of full time work starts from next week .... I must be crazy! I've kind of been looking forward to it, although today I'm feeling a little bit anxious. I've really loved going back to work and even though I don't really want to work full time yet, I am looking forward to the challenge of this job. My first time as the boss! We've managed to find two lovely, fun, intelligent women who are going to look after you and I feel so lucky that so far, you seem completely happy to be left with them. Thank you for making it so easy for me sweet girl. I'm going to miss you xx.

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Dear Olive,
I'm tired. T.I.R.E.D. More than that, though, I'm pissed off. P.I.S.S.... well, you get the idea. I'm angry and resentful and annoyed that I'm tired all the time. Mostly, I'm just really, really, REALLY sick of getting up during the night. Last night I yelled at Shane for snoring so he slept on the lounge. (Sorry Shane.) I'm sure he's sick of me being so tired too. I'm starting to feel like I'm only living life at half capacity. I'm taking on a seven week full-time work stint in a couple of weeks and as it draws closer I'm feeling more and more anxious about how I'm going to cope. 
On a lighter note, finding evidence of your handiwork around the house is pretty cute. Love this attempt at the fire truck puzzle.

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Dear Olive,
Ways To Spend A Crisp Sunday Morning #1:
1. BYO endless blue sky.
2. Bike around Centennial Park.
3. Visit and feed water fowl.
4. Picnic in the sun.
Good times guaranteed or your money back!